Ouch Pouch

Apropos of last week's post, and in line with the ever present 'channelling of positive energy' thanks to a certain doctor's new found vocation in the beauty industry ...

Hey Wayne, why not suffer in style, using the ouch pouch



I like the 'days left' touch ...

Oyster Omelette Orneriness

Bad choices are a fact of life.

Even when logic and common sense all pointed towards staying away from 5-day old takeaway oyster omelette with chicken rice, something in my fat-head brain caved and ... hello sick day.

At the time, justifications for eating 5-day old oyster omelette included:

• religion - belief (or rather delusion) that iron stomach can and will withstand all variants of e coli;
  
• relationships - ultimate trust in man-made machines over nature e.g. freezing power of refrigerators, zapping power of microwaves;
• love - love for chicken rice;
• laziness - could not be bothered going downstairs to buy bacteria-free lunch.

Wonder how long it will be before I can eat oysters again. Finding bits of oyster stuck in teeth 7 hours after eating the darn things does not help with the rehabilitation process.

Pain,Pain Go Away ...

... come again NEVER.

There is still the outstanding question as as to whether I am in fact soft or super hardcore.

Before I give you the answer to what is seemingly an obvious question with an obvious answer, let me just say that:

a) I'm still in a lot of pain
b) I woke up on the weekend with my arm stuck in the air (dunno what I was celebrating). It felt very freakish and took a bit of effort (and a lot of pain) to pry the deviant locked arm back to the mother ship.
c) I'm still in a lot of pain.
d) pain, pain, pain, pain, pain - my middle name should be Payne.

The x-rays suggest that there is no fracture, but rather bone and tendon bruising. After hearing scary and social sports-limiting stories about misdiagnoses and low-quality x-rays, I am now contemplating seeing a shoulder specialist. With April long weekend holidays coming up (minus the Anzac holiday which has mysteriously disappeared into the ether) I want the shoulder to be in a state healthy enough to swing a golf club.

Although this might be good excuse not to play golf ... but how can you go pass Barnbougle after the last experience. Not to mention the scallop & curry pies.

Mona Lisa's X-Ray Hand

What was meant to be a 20 minutes physio visit has taken a long, protracted detour (or in the language of the Amazing Race, I have been slapped with a "Yield" card).

Presently at a radiologist, evidently the same one Mona Lisa uses. The x-rays will hopefully show whether I have a fracture in in my left shoulder.

Should the potential fracture turn out to be an actual fracture, I will hereby announce my official hardcoreness and up the whinging/whining to make up for the lack of whinging/whining so far.

I will also have to make up a super hardcore story to go with the fracture.

If it turns out to be a lowly bruise, well I would be back where I have always been:

Soft.


Sent via BlackBerry® from Telstra

April Fools?

I went to a witch doctor on April Fools Day. He was very good. He came close to recounting my entire tragic injury-ridden history without the help of lead questions, or any information disclosures from me. I literally just sat on the witch-patient chair, and within a few moments, he pronounced knowingly "let me tell you what's wrong with you". Dr Phil eat your heart out.

So he presribed me 2 packs of drugs. The pharmacist warned me not to consume any alcohol during the course. My life as a teetotaler beings ... *sob* In preparation, I drank as much red wine as I could on Sat night.

I decided to 'google' these 2 packs of drugs. I'm very VERY scared about the information my eyes are relaying back to my now very drowsey brain.

Pack One - Endep 10
Used to treat depression, and can be used to treat bed wetting - OMG?!?!?!?!
Google says: "The main ingredient 'amitriptyline' is used to relieve symptoms of depression such as feelings of sadness, worthlessness, or guilt; loss of interest in daily activities; changes in appetite; tiredness; sleeping too much; insomnia; and thoughts of death or suicide. Amitriptyline is also sometimes used to treat certain types of pain." OMG?!?!?!?!?

Pack Two - Eplim
Used to treat: Epilepsy ; Maintenance treatment as a mood stabiliser in bipolar disorder to help prevent episodes of ill health (unlicensed use); Treatment of acute manic episodes in bipolar affective disorder (unlicensed use) - OMG!?!??!!
The news gets worse. Side effects may include weight gain, confusion, Shaky movements and unsteady walk (ataxia), and temporary hair loss - regrowth may be curly?! OMG?!?!!?

Is this an April Fools joke or what??

"Go Get Some Perspective"

A few of my closest friends have been imploring my conscience to "get some perspective". They haven't quite reached the stage of using starving kids of Ethiopia/Uganda or other such third world countries as comparators, but I sense that it may come to that soon through sheer exasperation.

I am grateful for having friends that have personas that are the direct antithesis to mine. I don't think I could ever be friends with myself. It would be a chore.

Went to the phsyio the other day. Turns out I need to get an xray of my neck - think he is concerned that the pain is still sticking around despite the passing of a year and a half. I am more concerned with the fact that every time I go to this physio, I am always ALWAYS wearing some dodgy undergarment. It's rather embarrassing. Just like that time when I was talking ever-too-loudly on the bus about something rather personal - the guy sitting in front of us turns around and says "you should make it into a movie".

I was mortified.

Roley Poley and Bike Pants don't go together

Fact 1 - I have never owned a pair of bike pants in my (ever-increasing) life time. I think I have an untapped fear of bike pants.
Fact 2 - Constant abuse of ≈€1 1/2L beers + gorging have culminated in mysterious additional kilos, which also means severe lack of tautness creating a ripple-like effect on skin (aka grandma skin).
Fact 3 - Skin has be devoid of sunshine which means I have yucky Singaporean porky-white skin pigmentation. I'd be prime meat for a BBQ at the moment.

So with much trepidation and slight moxie, I put on my 1st ever pair of bike pants on last night. Why? Our rep touch weekend is approaching and I thought I better try on the uniform (pictured) to check for size and fit. The result? A few problems. First, there are these elastic-y things around the bottom of the bike pants which gives the illusion of thigh-sausages, i.e. pinches bits of the thigh and makes area between end of pants to knees bulge out. Second, what is THE DEAL with the concentration of leopard print around the crotch area?!? And to add to the pain, Cherie didnt wash the top after borrowing it for the entire weekend - poor form Cherry. The moral of the story is that you will have a little porky pig in a tiger suit running around in Port Mac.

The most bizarre thing occurred during lunch yesterday. I was whinging, as I do, to Sharlene about the injustices of life (e.g. pig in tiger suit, having a pimple right in the middle of my forehead Indian style, having to walk from Central due to appliance-led terrorist attack on Town Hall etc) when this man in a soccer jersey who had been eating lunch on a nearby table, gets up, walks by, gestures a thumbs up, mutters something that I couldn't quite hear, then walks away. I promptly asked Shar what the hell he said and she reckons he said "you are sexy". My 1st response was 'are you serious'?!?!? And then I said, 'ARE YOU SERIOUS'?!?!?!?!? Then I said 'Nooooooooooooo'. Then I said 'You can't be for real'?!?!?!?! If what she heard was true, I think he may have been mocking me because: a) I was in a dishevelled state (collar tucked in, shirt hanging out); b) my hair was incorrigible; c) I had an Indian pimple; d) Just before he made that comment, I was shouting 'undervalued' at Sharlene. Upon reflection, I'm kinda offended by his wayward comment. One does not expect to be scrutinised during relaxing lunch hour, especially when deep in contemplation about the vicissitudes of life. I feel slightly violated.

Lastly, what is going on with our criminal justice system. First you have the instance of beauty contests in prisons where the winning female inmate may receive a reduced sentence as the prize. Then you have the judge that sentenced a lady to a night alone in the forest for abusing kittens - they are just kittens! Then you have Michelle Leslie (who still looks good with tears and snot all over her face) donning a burqa in hope of a reduced sentence - which worked. Someone told me that a large percentage of Muslims actually receive a significantly reduced penalty in Bali. Makes me wonder whether I would consider changing religion if I was faced with her situation.

Check out my Doraemon shoes ... so cute!

Bulk Billing is Great

Hello it's Friday! Woohooo!
Today's entry may be a little incoherent due to infiltration of snot leading to an uncontrollable state of nebulousness and wooziness. No wonder I've been falling asleep every other second. It's funny how people still sit next to you on the train when you're deep in sleep and your fat head is thrashing around everywhere. Aren't they afraid that my head will end up on their shoulder? *put your head on my shoulder, hold me in your arms, baby* Perhaps people don't know that song.

Anyway, today I went downstairs to the medical centre to get my toes checked out. And guess that? They did bulk billing - score! Shall be visiting Dr Batty for all medical concerns no matter how insignificant they are. The lovely doctor jabbed my left big toe in 3 places with a needle and ... instant relief! My feet feel like they have been given new life! He was spared from having to touch my right big toe because someone stepped on it the other day during basketball. I seriously saw stars when it happened, however it proved to be rather beneficial because all this blood started oozing out and now it doesn't look as bruised. Yummmmm ... blood and puss! I actually tried the burning a hole on my toenail with a paper clip trick last night, but once I heard my nail sizzling, I kinda got scared and stopped forthwith. Maybe it was the sound of my nail plate screaming (considering plants have feelings too).

Friday Fun Activities have included:

Yum cha where I got to have my favourite Fried Red Bean dumplings (I won't even bother with the ping yin) - so good that I ordered 8 of them.

Sending Olympic hero messages to the Opals, Lauren Jackson and Penny Taylor. Here is a taste of what I wrote:

To Lauren Jackson
This year, Lisa Leslie can keep a lock of your golden hair - because that's as close as she will get to a gold medal! Best of luck Lauren and I hope you demoralise the opposition on your way to GOLD!

To Penny Taylor
Best of luck PJ in your 1st Olympic games. Why settle for a penny from heaven when you can get a gold medal! All the best and let's GO FOR GOLD!!! Cheering for the Opals - Marissa

I must preface the above messages by informing everybody that by sending a hero message, I have a chance of winning an appearance from an Australian Olympian/Paralympian at work and receive a framed and signed Athens Lithograph valued at $4600.
So really I'm not as obsessive as you think.

I encourage everybody to send a cheerio and a good luck to the Olympic team via HeroMessage.

Pain & Suffering From Blunt Trauma



Here is a picture to illustrate the reaction to my current woes, including:

1. 2 majorly bruised big toes effected by the attrition of snowboarding & touch footy. The result of having 2 ugly, useless, throbbing and painful big toes are:
   (a) No basketball *sob* - it's suffering akin to death having to watch from the sidelines;
   (b) No balance - walking like an even bigger wally than ever. Just imagine an old lady walking over hot coals and you might have an idea of my current walking style;
   (c) No closed toed shoes - but it's not like I'm going to wear thongs/sandals to work and expose my hideous toes ... so will just have to live with the pain;
   (d) No sleep - due to throbbing bursts of pain every time the heart pumps.



2. Status as pleb in the lowest echelon of the company officially manifested via demotion from office to work station when I return to old building in September. Everybody bar the PA's have offices ... guess I know my place in the world - would anybody like me to bring them some coffee? How many sugars with that?



3. You like my Mickey Mouse beanie? It's neither too small nor gay



4. Exams over! Am officially a solicitor Oct/Nov pending on results, after which I can do your conveyancing (hence the reaction above because conveyancing is truly un-fun)



5. Lots of snow and a few major stacks at Thredbo & Perisher on the weekend. The few memorable ones include careering into Sharlene which led to her tumbling 20 metres down a steep mountain (hope the camera is working); whacking my head into the ground on a flat (I really see the value in helmets now, although the weight of my head plus a helmet could be unhealthy for my neck). Injuries were sustained on the entire left side of body, however pillow did not make an appearance (yay)! Oh plus my mouth and chin are so dry now, and copious amounts of moisturiser and lip balm is just not helping. Looks like I have dandruff on my face.



6. Tony Chan off to Honkers. Here is my ode to you:
   
   Tony Chan
   Why so many fans?
   Hook layup the only move you've got
   Those sunnies - oh so hot!
   Hope you find a gal in Honkers
   So you can spend your time bonk(ers)

Okay off to lunch. Have to leave early as it will take me forever to walk like a wally to destination.

Manky ... Very Manky

I have a woefully manky left leg due to excessive contact with non-plush grass during touch footy. I am the proud owner of a "festering wound" that will not stop pussing. It's ridiculous the amount of puss that is oozing out of this thing. I've had to wash all my work pants because there are all these spots of puss everywhere - it's all very crusty (pun intended)! Anyway, I thought my manky, pussy, festering wound was crippling my leg because I was starting to lose all feeling and movement - probably not a good thing just before a basketball semi-final (which we won btw - yay!). But it's amazing the placebo effect a doctor's words (albeit still lacking sympathy) can have on worried patient. And some people take WAY TOO MUCH pleasure inflicting pain-sensitive people with hydrogen peroxide.

My shoes decided to break down on me this week - it's so sad! It's so broken that it fell off while I was walking up the stairs at Town Hall Station - very embarrassing - also didn't help that I had really daggy socks on. So had to go to buy some shoes during lunch time today. In addition to my festering wound, I now have a huge ass blister on the same leg. Very ouchy.

And oh yeah, a bird pooped on me at lunch yesterday. Stupid pigeons! I hope more of them get toasted when they light up the Olympic cauldron at Athens.

Basketball Finals next Wednesday @ 6:30pm - you've all been officially informed. Should be a cracker, and hopefully we don't choke like we usually do. Let's hope I recover from my manky wounds before that time.

I love my ice pack
Ahhh first good sleep in ages last night. Although R.E.M was still marred by moments of shoulder(s) agony. Was so pissed off at one stage that I flung my right arm in the air and my ice pack flew across the room. Well I had a bit of a chuckle to myself. So much anger only to be placated by an ice pack.

Last coupla weeks of summer and we are stuck with this miserable, sucky weather. Only good thing is that my shoulders don't hurt as much in the cold. If the whole world could be an ice pack ... but I am adverse to the cold so maybe not such a good idea.

Was just telling someone that I subconsciously allocate certain people to this one group. I know its bad to blatantly discriminate in this fashion but there is something about this "group" that is SOOOOO endearing. They truly do get me going.

Yessssss finally got Telstra cable.
Goodbye dialup, I will miss your promises of 56K but will gladly settle for 100Mps

Pain is your friend ... whoever made up that aphorism clearly had minimal nerve endings and limited muscle mass.

I am suffering from a growing list of injuries including:
• Sprained left ankle
• Sprained right ankle
• Screwed left shoulder
• Screwed right shoulder (as of last night due to diving @ touch footy AGAIN. I mustn't know how to dive properly - if there IS a proper to dive)
• Unaligned teeth (due to Steve's shoulder. Could I have picked a bonier guy?)
• Sore neck due to massive-sized head

Coming from a person who is lopsided - my body is amazingly balanced when it comes to injuries. I guess I don't mind the pain. It's just the fact that you are unable to do even the most simple things e.g. tie your hair, sling your bag across you shoulders, wave your hands around like a mad-man in those fits of rage, help people with those top shelved items at Coles etc. Oh the enormity of it all!

Speaking of mad-man. Got into an argument over car-parking with this man on Friday night. There he was standing in the middle of the road on Sussex Street, minding a spot for his friend. And there I was trying to bowl him over in reverse gear. So began the debacle when I stepped out of the car to have a 'forceful' chat with him. Notwithstanding the fact that he made us wait 8 minutes for this "friend" to get there, he also bluntly told his lady friends to go away. Where's the chivalry? Can't believed they listened to him either, was tempted to tell them to stay since they were so accommodating. Anyway, I knew there was no way he was going to give that spot up (even though he was standing in the middle of the road!) so really the whole exercise was for my verbal entertainment and mental stimulation. And HAR! I was taller than him! Guess I would have been less heavy-handed if he was cute ... but he wasn't (though his friend was alright).