Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Mirror Mirror on the Elevator

Some people's (especially ladies) elevator decorum really puzzles me.

Most annoying elevator practices are justifiable e.g.:

  • Pressing the button twice/quintuple times is warranted when you are: a) in a rush; b) uncertain whether it registered the 1st time; c) colour blind; d) overdosed on caffeine.

  • [If you are male] Not letting the lady contingent exit/enter before you because you are: a) a bastard; b) partial to only one particular spot of the elevator; c) partial to people looking at your ass; d) a misogynist; d) completely devoid of chivalry.

  • Putting yourself in-between the security swipe and the person who needs to swipe because: a) you are too fat to move out of the way; b) you derive pleasure watching people contort themselves to around you; c) someone farted at the other end of the lift; d) you are an idiot.

  • However, one particular elevator behaviour that I cannot justify is the way some women fully check out themselves in the mirror for the entire journey, notwithstanding the fact that: a) the lift is full of strangers; b) the dim lighting inside the lift which means that you can't actually see yourself in the mirror ; c) in this particular instance, there really was nothing to check out (i.e. she was a dog ... ouch).

    I was confronted with this exact scenario the other day when this lady walks into the elevator, albeit I was the only other person in the lift. She beings to fully check herself out in the dimly-lit elevator; tossing her hair, sucking her cheeks to make fish lips, primping herself meticulously to the point of nausea. I swear she got so close to the mirror that she was nearly kissing her own reflection. This continues for the entire 11-floor journey.

    Fair enough, she takes pride, pleasure and apparently a lot of persistence in her appearance (i.e. vain, deluded loser).

    Later that day, as luck would have it, this same lady walks in on level 11, this time carrying a packet of chips. To my complete horror, I watch her study herself eating a chip in front of the mirror. It looked like she was serenading herself ... with a chip. If I was her, my reaction to myself would be 'is that all you can offer me? a chip?'

    On a non-related topic, that Average Joe show is such a farce. As if anyone would seriously pick an average joe over a non-average joe. Even perennial Average Joe himself (Adam returns) ultimately picked a non-average joette over an average joette. It is for this exact reason why deluded losers such as elevator lady deem is necessarily to keep fully checking herself in the mirror every time she encounters the elevator mirror.

    Monday, April 11, 2005

    Trash Talking Gone Wrong

    I really possess a special ability to make a big doofus of myself. Last Tuesday, I was telling my manager about my impending squash game later in the evening. Impressed that I had an ability to play squash (little does he know that I AM a doofus when I play squash), he asks me whether I 'boast' when I play. Not entirely certain what he was trying to get at, I replied with 'yeah sure, when I am playing well I boast a little. I think I am pretty good at trash talking on the court', all the while smiling and grinning away like an idiot. My manager then starts laughing uncontrollably, at which point my face starts turning that horrible crimson colour (truly tomato face with red colour and fat cheeks). So I gather the courage to ask 'errr what are you laughing at?' He then proceeds to tell me that 'boasting' in squash is when you hit the ball at an angle from the side wall to the front wall. Oh horror, horror, horror! *cringe*

    Signs of a gut is beginning to emerge around my waist - cool! donut on stomach! Pretty soon I will suffer the same fate as the lady who couldn't cross the street because she was too fat. I felt so sorry for her. There was ample time to cross the street, but her fat relegated her to watching everybody pass her by and having to take triple the amount of time getting to her destination. Fat is cruel and evil all at the same time.

    Delivering speech later today. Hopefully there will be no signs of doofus-ness.

    Monday, April 04, 2005

    Footy Finals Fever ... despite foul weather

    Hello World!

    A month has passed with barely a squeak - you would assume (yes donkey, you, me) that this suggests that things were well oiled in March. But alas, reality is diametrically opposite to assumption (yes donkey, you, mption). Anti-highlight of the month can be summed up in one word: Queanbeyan. That town is so much of a hole that it should have been used as a representation of "the hive" in resident evil.


    Later this evening, we play our touch footy finals - YAY! Our opposition could be considered our arched nemesis, and the last time I played them, the following event ensued:

    Me streaking towards the try line with ball, further emphasising my point as the most prolific scorer EVER. Opposition yells 'touch' as I am mid-way through this process. I quickly replied with "bullshit" because quite obviously, being the quick lightening side-stepper that I am (think Martin Bella but better), there was no possibility of anyone laying a finger nail on me. Then out of no where, I hear a comment from a tubby fella on the side lines (he was a member of the other team):

    Tubby Man: That's not very lady-like

    [This got me REALLY REALLY FIRED UP! In this day and age .. where the hell does he get off saying something so MORONIC. Obviously he is a misogynist]

    Me: WHAT?!? Do you want me to play like a girl as well?

    I then proceed to run down the field like a girl - arms flapping, legs kicking out to the side - the whole kit and caboodle.

    I suspect that I will screeching "touch" in a very very high octave when he comes near me tonight.

    Money's on the line tonight ... fingers crossed hey?