Three Asians and a Gay Boy

I remember having a conversation with someone regarding the need to capitalise the 'A' in asian. I don't think we ever came to a conclusion, but I was adamant that 'asian' (without caps) is grammatically incorrect. Afterall, you would write Australian rather than australian (unless you're having a lazy day with the shift key).

Prologue over.

Asian No. 1

Last week, a bunch of us (with a late appearance from a sweating Jason - yes I know it's because I am hot Jason) attended Wilson's and Nancy's birthday party (i.e. Sharlene's brother and mother). It was a fairly large family affair involving an abundance of Malaysian food, a food hall and plenty of family friends - most of whom were in the older age bracket.

When it came time for the bday boy to make a speech, there was an a priori expectation that he would deliver the tried and tested, fail-safe 'thank you' speech.
WRONG!
Instead, we were greeting with the following options:
1. If youse want me to make a speech, yell "Hell Yeah!" *silence*
2. If youse want me to dance, yell "Hell Yeah!" *silence, with a few giggles from our table*
Bearing in mind that the room was filled with aunties and uncles (both blood and non blood-related), I was somewhat mortified that he was attempting to use homie-nigger language to woo an elderly, Asian crowd. He then proceeds to prepare himself for the performance - including changing into more appropriate clothes, shoes, and picking the perfect song (which took him 15 minutes).
Watching the breaking spectacular was akin to watching the spoof/mockumentary of 'You Got Served', and I note that this movie attained a grand rating of 1.8/10 on IMDB. There was a mixture of disbelief, shock, mortification, laughter - rather similar to the grieving process, without the anger, depression and acceptance, hmmm perhaps not similar at all. His choreography involved flapping his arms around a robot, moonwalking around the stage (except it wasn't really moonwalking at all), topped off with bouncing handstands. And I do remember Sharlene saying "Alright that's enough" ... hehehehe. All in all, an original interpretation on how to deliver a 21st speech and thoroughly entertaining.

Asian No.2
My P.A at work (of Singapore origin, whose name makes the acronym 'Gimlee' which makes me laugh because it reminds me of Gimli from Lord of the Rings) has been the subject of tacit office bullying. Gimlee approached me the other day, with tears welled up in her chingy eyes, expressing her distress and disapproval of a fellow P.A. Just between me and the rest of the world, I think this 'other' P.A is on her last legs after her boss described her as "a bit thick" the other day. Ouchy. So party lines have been drawn, it is now a P.A stand-off. What a bitchy Melrose Place world they live in.

Asian No.3
About time for another Samantha Jones story. As you know, I have an Asian colleague whose demeanour reminds me of Samantha Jones from Sex in the City. She has recently put herself on an Atkins diet and has lost about 8kgs in the last 3 months - she now weighs 50kgs. My new nickname for her is gaunty. She informs me that her sex-partner is loving her new look and can't get enough of her (or what's left of her). She gained a kilo after eating 2 mangoes on the weekend, and insisted I feel her foreign bulge on her stomach. After protesting that this could be construed as sexual harassment, she then proceeds to unzip her skirt so that I could see this bulge. I can now confirm that she has an inny belly button.

And it would be remiss of me not to mention the day when she ran out of her office yelling "I stained my chair". Of course the stain was related to inability to change her tampon after being stuck in an extended conference call. She's all class.

Gay Boy
I now have the pleasure of sitting adjacent to a fella that has chosen the path of homosexuality. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Problem is that he is as cliche as they come, maybe not to the extent of Carson-gay although he's boyfriend definitely is. I feel like I am being dragged into a world that involves a lot of tantys (his b/f rings up every 2 minutes), frequent rolling of the eyes complimented with expressive hand movements, not to mention the well-documented gay-slang. *shudder* I think that it becomes a bit of an issue when a colleague asks you whether he's nipples are protruding too excessively in his shirt. I don't care for his nipples! I care less about looking at his nipples, protruding or not. Don't gay guys like protruding nipples? A question for the Aussie Fab 5. At least the shirt he was wearing wasn't pink.

Lazy Me ... slept til 4pm yesterday. Oh the horror. I was so tired the night before that I started going cross-eyed. Luckily the wind didn't change, wouldn't have to go out of my way to do a sped look. Hmmm, a bit slack but quite true.

Markings of a New Year

First entry of 2005.
Better set an appropriate tone for the remainder of the year - *chants: healthy, wealthy and wise, alongside new career as ESPN commentator, and new abode on privately owned island - passing time eating scones, sipping tea and of course, playing basketball and maybe some golf*
Not such a far cry from current situation - only elements lacking are the basketball/golf skills - har!

Well that has been much to blog about over the past couple of months, however daily 9-to-5 life as a non-superhero has dictated otherwise. On that note, if I was a superhero (preferably Wonder Woman), I would be really pissed off if I had to save lamo people after work. So, here are some highlights in point form:

Christmas
Truth or dare gone wrong when I had to run down the hallway of the Leo's apartment, enter the lift and descend to ground level in only my bra & shorts. Thought I got off scot free until ... the door opens on lvl 9 and in walks a middle-aged man. He proceeds to inquire "so how's the water in the pool?", to which I responded "oh very satisfactory". Oh there's my new year's resolution - get YDG, Rebecca and Shar back!

New Years/Melbourne Trip
Sat next to sobbing Tsunami survivor on the flight to Melbourne. Funny how anything that comes out your mouth when conversing with someone that's experienced tragedy seems to sound either: ignorant or intrusive.

Golf, golf, shopping, casino, Edvard Munch, and some more golf. Subject of more cruel jokes continued as evidenced by the following footage of YDG's devilry. Your evil laughter still haunts me!

Xia's Hens Night
Wild night with "to-do" list completed (including such tasks as: getting random stranger to lick lolly off chest; get random stranger to take off their underwear; kiss a bald man's head). I came away from that night sporting a broken little toe after over-exuberant zorba dancing from someone wearing boots with THICK HEELS. OUCHY! Now not only do I have an oversized head, I am also the shameful owner of a mongoloid toe.

Miscellaneous

Surfing lessons - fun in the sun. Felt like I was in the beach boy's 'surfin safari' video clip.

Invitation to take a closer look at Castlereagh St fire station - thanks to excellent work by a few drunk girls on Friday night, and a legit fireman by the name of Matthew. Except we are not allowed to slide down his pole - although I wasn't drunk enough to give consequence to that joke.

Famous Me! See page 11 here. Happy to sign if you print out a copy ;p

Australian Open - The girls need to wear nipless (product that hides nipples), or thicker bras. They ALL headlight! Unless they've been given a mandate to abstain from wearing the above-suggested to bring in the crowds? In that case, the men should wear assless pants.

Guys in pink shirts - not a fan. Particularly really fat guys in pink shirts - makes them look like piggies. Saw a guy wearing PINK SHOES at Nike factory the other day - now he's gone TOO FAR! He needs to reclaim his manhood.

Photos
Predilection for pictures certainly was not one of my new year's resolutions, so here goes some pixels:

Melbourne

Completely useless, but at times good to have function on digital camera put to the test. Silly photos to match the silly people.

Zoo
Day of fun at Taronga Zoo.
Saw lots of animals (funny that), and came across TOO MANY crying, whinging, annoying little kids (har sounds like me).








I suspect that these animals have quite the life. They spend all day lazing around, eating, sleeping, licking themselves, and getting pictures taken of them by nosey people. At times they get blinded by flashes of lightening (e.g. me attempting to take a photo of a platypus in the dark, only to be reprimanded in front of a crowd of people - oh the shame shame shame).

Start of the Silly Season ... begins with Stupid Social Behaviour

Can this be true? Over a month without updates? Whatever happened to the verve and zeal (not often you get a 'v' and a 'z' word in one sentence) that once prevailed between Blogger and myself. Perhaps Blogger decided to use me only to get the attention of a prettier, more quality blog. I say this because 'apparently', it is a well known (albeit unbeknownst to me - note to self: get out of hole) social phenomenon for men to court ugly females ONLY to gain easier access to their beautiful/hot friends. The theory being that the beautiful/hot friend will then automatically assume that the guy is Darcy-decent by virtue of the fact that he is dating an ugly girl.
However, this theory is premised on the following basis:

Girls categorise their friends into 'ugly' and 'beautiful'.
Personally, I don't consciously or subconsiously label my friends as ugly or beautiful. Therefore I would not deem a guy Darcy-decent just because he is going out with one of my friends who I neither consider ugly, nor beautiful, i.e. perception of decency is mutually exclusive to aesthetic perception of friends.

The 'hot' friend will date the guy who's got a dog of a girlfriend.
Hypothetically, if I was the 'hot' friend in the equation, I would refuse to date someone who was going out with my ugly friend (not that I am implying that I categorise my friends in such a rudimentary manner) since her chances of scoring a XY would be less than mine (should I be hot, and should society place more value on beauty as opposed to personality). Wow, so many caveats here.

Ugly girls have hot friends
Another social myth proposes that people of the same aesthetic qualities tend to stick together - hence the saying "birds of a feather flock together". Meaning that ugly people hang around ugly other people, and so on. Apparently there is hard evidence behind this, as illustrated by the modelling community.

Perhaps the connection between my lack of blogging and current social behaviours is nebulous - but you have already read this far so I won't go ahead and justify it.

It has indeed been a clumsy couple of days. Managed to stain my NEW basketball uniform last night with impenetrable Thai laksa gravy. Oh the heartache! Fortunately the stains were limited to the left side. Unfortunately, it left a colour disasterously close to urine. Thank golly Sylvia was around and ameliorated the impending depression spiral by offering to treat it with some wonder spray. You are a life saver SS (could stand for Super Star, but Sylvia Santoso sounds better)!
Then at lunch, a clump of guacamole fell out of my wrap and on to my shirt. Fortunately nobody witnessed it. Unfortunately, it is the colour of a really sick person's snot.

Was in Melbourne on Monday and Tuesday of this week and OMG I have created a Big 2 (i.e. choi dai di) Monster! I taught my manager to how to play on the plane into Melbourne. He then decides to force our whole team to play at the dinner table at some fancy schmancy chinese restaurant on Southbank. So desperate he was to play, he commissioned someone to buy 2 deck of cards on their way to dinner. Everybody was fully giving me dirties when they were all forced to play. But alls well that ends well because everybody had fun - even though I didn't win ONE SINGLE GAME - the horror!

Okay, time is up. May blog more tomorrow.